Fasten your seat belts…this is your captain speaking

Never really enjoyed traveling by flights. Ya, I do enjoy the privileges of a frequent flyer and often getting the honor of an upgrade to a business class, where I think the only difference is that you are greeted with a bigger smile and once every five minutes the airhostess stops by to find out if all is well; like I am gonna start wailing if left alone for more than five mins.

Every thing in air travel is little, tiny and pretentious. You wake up at the wee hours and rush to the airport only to hear a lady apologize for a “little” delay and the nice thing is she always “appreciates” our co-operation. At least in my case, the jet airways delays are measured in minutes, right in the next counter I hear Air Deccan announce the delay in hours. Once you enter you have to squeeze your way through the teeny-weeny bit of space available in the cabin. And, gosh! You got a window seat and there is a fairly “healthy” gentleman occupying the aisle and little bit of the middle as well. You look at him with total guilt and he reluctantly gets up with a disgusted face. Of course, for a moment the pretty looking airhostess does a Bangalore traffic cop regulating people up and down so that you and the husky samaritan can settle down.

After all the hustle-bustle, you hear someone with a made-up gruff voice go like “Good morning this is your captain speaking”. Don’t you get the feeling that the very first task of plane flying is to “learn” to speak husky” and then come up with innovative excuses. Our man goes like, “We are very sorry for the “slight” delay which was caused by the late arrival of the incoming air craft. Ya right! They never tell you why that was late. It’s some kind of a vicious circle, seems like the very first flight by the Wright brothers got delayed and then on folks, it has resulted in the delay of subsequent flights.

Last week almost immediately after take off our captain cautioned us of some unexpected turbulence and advised us to keep the seat belts fastened. It was like thirty mins after take off and we continued to have the belts tightly fastened. With all the liquid diet they feed us with you know how it is and the compelling desire to use the rest room. There was this Chinese gentleman who could “hold” it no more, and walked up almost till the end, until an irritated voice read, “gentleman please fasten your seat belts” and sent this man back to where he belonged. I could see the misery in his face; for Christ’s sake, this man could die of a bladder burst; losing balance due to turbulence is least of his worries. Moreover, when you guys walk around juggling those cans of juices and colas, why can’t you “allow” some one in dire straits to hop in to the rest room.

And btw hostess, I value my sleep way more than your tiny pretentious food. So, if by chance I am in deep sleep, please don’t wake me up to try out your menu. Also, what’s this with you guys. Thousands of rupees spent on your tickets, why can’t you get some thing that is…did some say tasty. There is like a hajar “sagars” (small restaurants) in our city that make some delicious idlis and vadais; jus go grab a cart full from them.

Oh, there is some thing that I failed to mention during the boarding process. There is like a million reasons why I so value a world devoid of terrorist attacks. A significant one of that million would be the trauma one has to go undergo because of this. Blame it on my sexual orientation; it doesn’t make me comfortable at all, when I am publicly made to stand and have this guy feel me all over. I am not a metro sexual alright, but I do love to carry my hair gel and a small bottle of perfume. And, now this ban on any thing liquid...Ahh! Just a matter of time folks! We might soon not be allowed to pee in aircrafts, fearing a possible explosive triggered by a person’s pee.

After the “little” delay, the “little” patience expected from us passengers, the “tiny” pretentious food offered, the “little” wait in the landing queue… destination arrived! And Mumbai traffic took over. Amen!