Every Rajesh Has Its Day

One of the perks of living in a society with over 600 families is that you get to witness discussions (read mails) about everything under the sun. Right from the topic of loud neighbours ruining your Sunday afternoon to complaints about people with gastro problems farting too loud in apartment lifts. The one topic that has stood the test of time and entices just about the same kind of rapt attention anytime during the year is on “Dogs”…Dog poop, Dog pee, Dog bark, Dog bite. In fact, dogs have been discussed in my society way more than what cows have been in our country.

Every time an accusation of a dog attack is made, all the dog owners unite and have this backlash similar to the reaction invoked if something is done to the Dalit community. A dog attack gets varied set of views from the dog owners describing it as, he just sniffs but does not bark, just barks but does not bite, just bites but does not bite hard. In the midst of this acrimonious discussion oblivious to anyone’s cognizance, the victim would be getting 18 injections on his tummy. Before someone accuses of me being insensitive to dogs, let me tell you…I have nothing against dogs, it just scares me since I don’t know what it is thinking. To make matters worse, most dogs are strategically designed to be tall enough to be sniffing at the personal anatomy of an “average heighted” Indian male and that scares us even more. And it is plain annoying to hear dog owners say…. Don’t worry he doesn’t bite. Seriously!!! This is like saying, I have a skunk, but don’t worry, it doesn’t stink!

Quite recently, I was invited home by this couple that own a dog. They are this new gen couple, that don’t like to have kids and instead have a dog. I don’t have a view on this btw. But for me the dilemma was…normally when I visit a house with kids, I buy some chocolates or cookies and so wondering if I should take some dog biscuits or maybe a bone. Think about it…you can’t go empty handed right! It was a lovely pet they had. They made the dog show some tricks…shake hands, get the ball, jump up and down etc. As I watching all this with rapt attention, it suddenly struck me this is exactly what my parents made me do every time someone visited us. Rajesh, do this trick, that trick and now everyone clap your hands. In this case, instead of Rajesh it was “Tommy”. Strikingly similar isn’t it, the similarity between raising kids and dogs. I wonder if dog owners will also be like…Tommy, why are you not shaking hands properly; look at Sharmaji’s dog. He shakes hands so well and even got first place in the Dog Olympiad.

To me one of the most amusing sights on earth is watching dog owners walk behind their pets with a poop bag. That should end the debate on who the master of the house is. And the irony is dog is called Man’s best friend. Let me tell you this. I have a best friend by name Praveen. I have never walked behind Praveen trying to figure out when he would poop. If Praveen wants to poop, he goes to the rest room and poops. It didn’t matter to Praveen whether I was walking behind with a poop bag or not. And you know why…because Praveen was fully potty trained by the age of 3. And that Praveen my folks deserves to be called my best friend. Logic isn’t it?

I am sorry to say dog owners, it doesn’t matter how much you train them, your dogs aren’t smart. Have you seen your dog running to the door every time the bell rings. How is that smart? When is the last time your dog had a personal visitor. It is not as if Dog Jimmy from next door is stopping by to call on your dog. If at all you want to train dogs, ask them not to run behind cars and instead teach them to simply note down the license plate numbers!

By now even the noblest of the dog owners and non-dog owners must be thinking that I am quite heartless with my rant on dogs. Like in Bollywood movies, I had a traumatic flash back too. Things wouldn’t have been the same had I grown up with a dog. When I was 10, I wanted to have a dog. I ask my dad, begged, cried and pleaded that we have one.  But my dad was like…Rajesh, it is already hard enough having two dogs at home. The naughty kid that I was, I retorted saying…Appa, don’t be too harsh on yourself and amma…we (me and my sis) don’t think of you that way. And WHACK! There ended by aspirations of being a dog owner.

Finally, to end it…dear Dogs (yes, with all the training they get, one day they might read this), sorry if I was mean, insensitive and cruel with this article. One day you guys would get so powerful and you can then say…” Every Rajesh gets its day”. Until then…BOW BOW!!!