Will you marry me?

Was watching a sit com the other day and there was this scene where the guy proposes to the gal. I love the way the Westerns go about their business…guy slips the ring in a glass of champagne…gal notices just when she is about to drink and goes like Oh my God!...guy gets on his knees, says a couple of “punch” dialogues and follows it up with…Will you marry me! And even before gal could answer, the rest of the people in the restaurant stop eating their food and go congratulate the couple. Classic! Isn’t it.

Now, I think about how it worked for me…there were about six people staring into the monitor and my uncle goes like…”I think you should go for profile number F345654. And my grand mom adds in…yes, she can not only sing but dance as well. Ya… India is the world’s largest democracy…almost everyone had a say on which gal I should marry…my mom, grand mom, niece, nephew and also my next door aunty.

The profile write up, which goes on to the website, is a critical step in this process. I told my dad…ya..I want to get married, but let’s be discrete on my profile. So, my profile read…”Bangalore boy, earning a handsome salary (ya…if the boy is not handsome, you can effectively use this adjective to describe the money he makes) working for a leading FMCG, that makes your skin whiter and your shirt brighter, is looking for a suitable gal…”. The next day when I went to work, I felt like a jack ass, with all my colleagues laughing at me.  In case you are wondering how they got to know…those days we did not have facebook…so matrimony.com was the only substitute.

What follows this profile upload is what I call as the “half hour” meeting. So, in thirty minutes, you will have to decide if you are ready to spend the rest of your life with this person. It is amazing how the propensity to flirt with a girl drastically diminishes when you are evaluating if she can be your wife. This meeting is the like viva voce that we used to have during our lab exams. You go all well prepared for a standard set of questions, but then sometimes the “natural you” comes out.                                                                                                                              There was this gal that asked me…so what are your interests?”                                                                                                     And I said…”Women”.                                                                                                                                                                           She got so offended that she complained to her parents, who in turn complained to two other families. This simple incident in fact cost me two “profiles” in the pipeline. And there was this other gal that rejected me because I looked too young and immediately my mom goes like…”look what your hair cut has done”. You know, this is quite a chauvinistic process, where the gal folks are not “allowed” to say no. So, they come up with one of the two accepted substitutes – the gal wants to do higher studies or the gal is being sent on an on-site assignment. It is amazing, the number of gals that either got enthused into higher studies or got an opportunity for an on-site assignment immediately after meeting me. I must have been sending out some anti-marital vibes. But, what upset me the most about these meetings was that almost always I ended up footing the bill. It was like some kinda promo in town…have a half hour meeting with Rajesh…and earn a free dinner.

After all the huff and puff, the big day of marriage arrives. And for some reason in our custom, which can only be best explained by the guy who came up with this idea, the groom is made to sit top less with hundreds of people looking at him. What kinda set up is this...I wonder! Ok…who am I to question age old rituals…but the only thing I was looking forward to  and here again influenced by  western culture…I was really hoping that after the garland exchange ritual, the priest would go like…”ok Rajesh, you may now kiss the bride”. That would have been something. Isn’t it!

I Got Mail

I like emails! I like the small window that pops up every time I get a mail. Makes me feel important, makes me feel “needed” and makes me feel like I am contributing to the company’s growth. I have often wondered how life would have been during the “pre-email” era...you would have had a boss walk up all the way to the employee’s desk and say…”Loganathan, I want to an explanation to screw up on this project by eod today…and rest of you pretending to work, but actually listening to me…you are in CC”. I think one of the greatest pleasures in life is to be in “CC”. 90% of the people CCed in emails have nothing to do with those mails…they are like the gossipy neighbors watching the couple quarrel. Hey…put off all the work…Loganathan is getting screwed…lets get CCed and watch all the fun.

You can say a lot about the person by just looking at his emails. We have this bunch of people, who, I like to call as the “big bang theory” guys. Anything that you ask them and they will start off from the big bang and evolution of universe….and by the time you get to the end of the mail, you lose track of why you even sent the mail. Dude…I was clean shaven when I started reading your mail and look at me now! And there are those that reach out to you before the email traverses to your inbox. Sir…I sent you a mail on this query.
Ok…but I did not receive any.
No sir…I just did. Press refresh!

There is also this breed of people that put a rainbow to shame. They use every color and every font size…even my four year old son does not use as many colours when he paints. Imagine if you are colour blind…you can get a complex reading those mails.
Perhaps, the best of the lot, is the illustrious ones that use a lot of jargons and end by saying…”I will get back to you”. I think...”get back” is the single most profound and powerful technique one can use to shy away from work. This seemingly innocuous yet intelligent phrase that carefully avoids any reference to the time dimension can do wonders to your “life-work” balance. By the time the guy decides to “get back”, the world would have stopped using emails as a technology for communication. Ya ya..these are the ones that you call as “smart ass” (no…not derived from “smart arts” in ppts…but the mild correlation cannot be dismissed easily). And, whats with the acronyms…fyi & a, eod, IMHO…So, Mr. Gopal, whats your opinion on this? I wish I can say..ICD…I Care a Damn!

Ya..emails is quite something… isn't it. There are novel tools too…”Out of Office Assistant”. An assistant to help on an occasional absence from office. But, what about those with an occasional presence in office. Can we have an “In office assistant” please. More about it the next time!

Where are all the women!!!

Adam must have been a happy man. He didn’t have to go too far to look for women. All he had to do was go by the apple tree and he would find Eve plucking the fruits. But, life ain’t as easy for the youth of today. Which is why you see them going for computer classes, fitness centers, Salsa classes etc. The last one is possibly the worst of them all. So the dude joins th

e class in an honest attempt to find women…and what does he see…30 guys and 2 gals…and even these two gals would have brought their macho boy friend’s along with them. The sequence of events that unfold subsequently is fairly self explanatory. There is nothing worse in this world than being made to dance salsa with a fellow dude. And what is worse is if your guy partners actually “enjoys” the dance. Seriously…this is not what God had in mind when he designed this world!

The other option for meeting women, which is almost as unsuccessful as the previous one is gymming. I myself have been a victim to this plan many years ago (yes yes, I was single then) when I promptly joined a gym in my neighborhood. For someone like me that has been brought up with “thayir sadham” (curd rice) as a staple diet….the gym can be quite an embarrassment. And what is worse is, the trainers around don’t give a damn to what the male folks are into. So, here I am struggling with those weights and all thetrainers seem oblivious to it. But right next to me is a pretty dame tread milling and she has about three trainers teaching her on how to run. Seriously…this is humanity at its lowest ebb. Then, I got all pissed off and made a big hue and cry to the management. The next few days were remarkable indeed…I had trainers all over me and helping me with every exercise. In fact one trainer dude took it a little far and even offered help when I went to the rest room. Sir…that is not the way to hold. No…seriously dude…lets restrict the “helping” and advises to the training alone.

So, coming back to the point…why life should be so complicated for men. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if like in Facebook men carry a “wall” with them…”25 year old man, desperately looking for a women to date…is un cool, pathetic loser and works in IT”. And, women can press the “like” button if interested. Now…that would be something. You can see guys go like…”I must be giving out some vibes…I got 25 likes today…and two of them where in fact from men as well”. Not a bad idea right! For all those single guys out there…keep trying these facebooks, tweeters and blogs…if you don’t succeed with one of those sites…there is a good chance that you will land up with another one…www.bharathmatrimony.com!